So I spent most of spring break in the public library near my parents’ house. I found out that the library actually has four books on gayness–one of them is a graphic novel called Stuck Rubber Baby; so it wasn’t in the nonfiction section with the others. It’s about a young man in the ’60s discovering his sexuality, and it was actually pretty good. Someday I’m going to give a copy of Fun Home to that library, or maybe to my high school library–not my signed copy, however. I’m going to keep that one till I die.
And I had to femme it up the entire week of break. When I got back, in an attempt to regain my gender equilibrium, I decided to try packing. Newsflash, guys: that’s what mismatched socks are for. We finally know. So I rolled up one and shoved it into the banana pocket of my briefs (the ones I went to a ridiculous amount of trouble to get). It worked okay until about lunch. Then, it kept riding up and looking like a boner. So I went to the bathroom, took it out, and shoved it in my backpack. I think it’s still in the front pocket…. I need to clean out that backpack.
Today in Latin we got an example of Roman homophobia/anti-Hellenism. Well, actually, they didn’t have a gay/straight split but an active/passive split (there’s a term for that, but I can’t remember it), but it amounted to the same thing. Apparently, they’ve been using the DINKs “argument” for 2500 years. Conservatives don’t know enough history to realize it’s time to give it a permanent rest.
Fencing is doing a lot more running, and running triggers my dysphoria (as well as making it hard to breathe), so I have to figure out what to do about all that. If I don’t do the running or something equivalent, I’m not going to gain any stamina, and I already have the worst stamina on the team. The too-small minimizer bra that I’ve been using to immobilize my boobs is wearing out; it’s cheap, and it was never meant to be used quite like that. And Bali doesn’t make that model anymore. I suppose cis women thought it made them look too flat. The thing is, I could actually get my parents to buy me bras. For me, as long as I don’t look down at myself or see my reflection, the main thing is to not have my boobs move.
My parents sent me info for all these church scholarships for undergrads, and I have no idea whether I can honestly apply for them–or how I can deal with my parents if I don’t. The ones I’ve already got, I don’t have very much qualms about, because I didn’t know I was queer when I applied for them. (I knew I wasn’t very interested in boys, but I hadn’t realized any of the other stuff.) I keep wondering if they’ll make me give back the money when I come out. I’ll have to do that someday, if I ever want to get top surgery.
Smith College rejected a transwoman because her FAFSA application had a male gender marker. And they call themselves inclusive. And all the commenters on HuffPo are so transphobic. Well, not all of them. But at least a third of them. I normally enjoy a chance to be verbally aggressive, as I’ve mentioned before, but I get SO TIRED of responding to EXACTLY THE SAME SHIT with EXACTLY THE SAME ANSWERS. But if I don’t, if I let the bigots have the last word, what about other trans* people, whose skins are made out of keratin instead of cynicism, who have to read such hatred with no rebuttal? Gender dysphoria messes with your head quite enough. Hearing the whole world hate you can have really detrimental consequences. 41% of trans* people have attempted suicide. Probably the main reason I haven’t ever is that I get too angry to want to die. And then ignorant commenters like GenaricName and xfitgirl and Kasper Dixon and s3m1g33k go on and verbally thrash about all over the place like an epileptic giant python in a nursing home, with about as much intelligence and causing even more harm.
If any of you reading this have a HuffPo account, please go on there and flag those user’s profiles as abusive. Profiles include the comments logs, so abusive comments mean an abusive profile. I haven’t flagged very many of the comments themselves, partly because there are too many, partly because I don’t believe in censorship, and partly because I hope to be able to actually make them and others learn something, but when a long train of abuses…. Seriously, GenaricName tried to get me to believe that all 10+ of his transphobic comments were sarcasm–all of them. If such seriousness is defined as sarcasm, my entire life is a joke. For the safety of the trans* community, we need that guy shut up. Please help me do that.